Wednesday 20 November 2013

patient #1.

Assalamualaikum :)

harini nak cerita about this 1 patient, whom i met yesterday.
he's a malay guy, a young one. baru 26 y/o, muda kan?

tapi dia dah warded for 3 weeks. cuba teka sakit apa? haaaaaaa salah semua tu salah!
apakah dilah apakaaah -.-
k sebenarnya dia datang hospital sbb shortness of breath, or bahasa mudahnya, semput.
tapi sampai sampai je dekat hospital, dia pengsan.

yang dia tau, lepastu dia masuk ICU for 1 week, after tu baru transferred kat normal ward up till now.
yang dia tak tau, apa yang jadi dekat dia masa kat ICU tu. kitorang curious gak la, tapi sbb dia sorang without anyone yang teman, takda sape yang boleh cerita apa jadi lah kan. sobs.

k sambung.
dia sebenarnya ESRD = End Stage Renal Disease patient. means buah pinggang dia dah rosak. mengecut. dah tak boleh pakai.
and dia dah start dialysis since 5 years ago, for which he was just 21 y/o masa tu.

amazing kan? muda kan?
boleh imagine tak apa korang buat waktu umur 21 tahun, and apa yang dia kena lalui?

and sebenarnya, (yang ni diri sendiri pun baru discover)
banyak complications and other penyakit yang boleh disebabkan oleh (secondary to)  this ESRD.

one of them is apa yang this guy tengah lalui.
volume overload, even in his lungs (paru paru) causing him to experience shortness of breath.
masa auscultation (yang dengar guna stethoscope tu), dapat dengar yang bahagian bawah paru paru dia punya bunyik mcm slow sikit.
mungkin banyak fluid kot. mungkin lah, mungkin.

and rupa rupanya,
two months back dia pernah experience stroke. so tanyalah dekat lecturer semalam, can ESRD cause stroke, sbb mcm tak nampak kaitannya. tapi Dr kata, boleh. it actually increases 1 to 4 fold of chances of getting stroke.

time tu rasa macam OOHHHH SERIOUSLYYY KENAPA TAK PERNAH TAHUU? :O

k cukup.




lesson learnt: 

kau ingat kau muda kau boleh buat suka hati? Allah is giving you yet another day to improve yourself. yang sombong sangat tu kenapa? kalau Allah nak, bila bila masa dia boleh tarik balik nikmat sihat tu.
ingat seronok jadi orang sakit? kalau satu dua hari best lah kot, eheh. tapi dah kalau sakit lama, permanently pulak tu. mesti taknak kan? moga Allah jauhkan.

(disclaimer: kau is referring to diri sendiri)

so conclusionnya, jaga kesihatan tu. make the most of our health before we become sick. jangan nak gedik gedik ingat badan kita tu kita yang punya. Allah bagi pinjam je tuu. arasso?

till then,
take care!

Monday 18 November 2013

be yourself.

Assalamualaikum.

'Hi, saya rasa saya penat lah nak jadi matang.
penat. penat nak membesar.
penat nak jadi orang lain yang awak nak saya jadi tu.

tak, tu bukan saya.
tu dia. kalau awak nak kawan yang macam tu, kawan dengan dia. jangan kawan dengan saya.
sebab saya bukan dia.'

- kata Minah kepada sahabatnya, Munah.


It feels good ya know.
when you're actually down, and you got a phone call from your friend yang jauh di mata tetapi dekat di hati. ewaaaaaaah. haha thanks Dayah (though i'm not so sure if you'll be reading this), for the call. you made my day, or my night actually. hiks :)

uhibbukifillah 

teringat one of my friends pernah cakap,
bersahabat kerana Allah ni ada 3 tahap. as far as yang dia dah pernah lalui lah.

1. bila sahabat kita tu buat baik dekat kita, and kita layan biasa-biasa je. kita appreciate, tp kita cam tak berapa menunjukkan yang kita appreciate dia la kiranya kan.

2. bila sahabat tu buat baik kat kita, and kita balas balik apa yang dia buat tu. so both part happy lah. tapi kalau sahabat tu tak buat apa apa, kita pun tak buat gak. 'kauingatkausapatetibanakakulayanbaikbaik', kira camtu la kan.

3. ni tahap yang paling best la. which is bila sahabat kita tak buat apa-apa pun, tapi kita tetap buat something untuk dia. and kita tak mengharap apa apa balasan from their side. ulang suara, TAK MENGHARAP BALASAN ye :)


yang tahap 3 ni kira dah tahap paling kronik la ikutkan. ehh tak. i mean, paling hebat lah. ingat senang nak buat baik kat orang without hoping anything in return? hahh :)


k dah nak cakap tu je. rindu sebenarnya. tsk
bai. Moga Allah pelihara anda semua :)

Wednesday 13 November 2013

Sunday 20 October 2013

first posting :)

Assalamualaikum and hello there.

been trying to find time to update le blog, and i'm actually supposed to write up my case report now, but somehow i'm writing this instead. aish dilah, dilah... -.-

well, so yes!
weeeheeeee new life has started. clinical year it is, yayy! :)

Alhamdulillah, Allah has made it easy for me.
my first posting is general surgery, weheee best tengok orang kena potong2 muahahhaa :3
*gelakkejibiarkorangtakut*

k tak pun sebenarnya. kitorang belum tgk orang kena potong, i mean kena bedah lagi pun sbnrnya.
baru masuk Operation Theater je, belajar gowning (pakai baju yg cm gown tu), belajar basuh tangan (banyak gila steps, but since its to minimize the chances of getting infection, so takpelah banyak2 step pun kan. tskk *pasrah*)

sekarang baru belajar amek2 history je, oh and ada baaaaaanyaaaak cerita patient yg best! :)
i'll write later insyaAllah.

dah, sekarang kena buat case report. esok submit ohh *pengsan*


till then,
bababababananaa
ehh salah. babababaaiii

Friday 23 August 2013

for this one girl that i love.



Assaalamualaikum. Hi my dear ras :)
weheee how are you doing? Hope US is being nice to you, 
and hope you’re doing just fine trying to adapt to your new life there.
have you been eating well dekat sana?
did you take a good care of yourself?
have you had your bath? *ehhhh






heeee ingat lagi tak gambar ni? This was our last met kan. Never thought it would be the last one though. tapi still, I’m glad we finally had our so called 'dinner date'. Haha
Ingat tak ingat tak. we didn’t know where to eat at mula mula, then kite pusing pusing dekat dalam sunway pyramid tu (as usual, kalau psl makan je mesti taktau nak makan dekat mana. Lepastu siap duduk bersila dulu fikir nak makan mana kan), and in the end we ended up eating dekat pizza hut ni, the place you first mentioned masa dalam kereta. memang kita ni suka pun jalan jalan keliling pyramid tu sebenarnya kan -_____-

haha ingat tak yang time nak amek gambar ni, kite cam segan? sebab waiter ngn waitress dekat sana pandang -.- and then lepas makan tu, kita amek gambar dekat dpn cermin? lepastu bila ada orang lalu, buat2 cam innocent kan. ah well :p
oh and remember how amazing you were at making all those faces expressions?
i'm thinking of posting one of 'em kat sini, but uhmm oh, takpelah kot. next time perhaps :p


....................................................................................................................


Dear ras,



remember all the times we had together?
the lunch date? the time when you introduced me to Grub's bistro dengan Arisan? yg saya tanya, kedai ni baru bukak ke, but then you said dari awak mula masuk lagi dah ada -.-
nampak sangat saya memang tak pernah makan tempat lain selain food court. kesian betul.
haha. thanks to you, sekarang saya suka makan arisan! wohoooo nuggettooo nyummayhhh. oh tapi Grub's tu cam mahal sikit, so kadang kadang jela saya pergi. heheh :p


And remember the mentos? haha ingat tak yang masa tu saya nak exam, lepastu awak text tanya dah masuk exam hall ke, sebab nak jumpa, then saya cakap belum. tapi lepastu bila awak sampai, saya dah masuk hall dah. and awak nak bagi the mentos as a goodluck gift before exam, tapi tak sempat. last last awak letak je dalam peti besi (so called) dekat tepi tu. heheh sorry ehh, blame the invigilators :p






oh and remember how random we were?
this ikea night, memang taktahu nak cakap apa lah kan. haha :D
from casa to ikea to klcc.
it was midnight. pastu kita pusing pusing dekat klcc time takda orang langsung -__-
amek gambar kat tepi jalan like that's our place.
oh oh, lepastu cuba tgk gambar the most left, down tu. 
ingat tak mula2 kita amek gambar tu cm biasa je, tp lepastu dayah cakap cam obvious gila our differences in heights.
then saya pun bend sikit sebab nak bagi sama tinggi, oh and heyy! awak dah sama tinggi dengan saya lah! hehehhh :p





Dear ras,
hmm ingat tak saya pernah cakap,
Yg mungkin sebenarnya kalau saya taktau orang yang rapat dengan saya tu nak fly,
It’d be easier for me to let go of that person?
And ingat tak, awak ada suruh saya experiment kan benda tu? tengok betul ke tak?
Well i never thought though, that it would be you yang saya tak hantar sebenarnya.
never ever crossed in my mind that it would be you the one that i'm going to be experimenting myself with.

i'm really sorry ras.
really really sorry.
i didn't even know if i'm ever going to regret my decision of not sending you,
and i'm really really really sorry.
i was having a real hard time deciding to send, or to not send you.
my exam finished at 4pm that day, and i was off to meet my sister afterwards.
saya tahu yang awak nak fly tu pun nak dekat pukul 6, and i have another paper early morning the next day.
you knew how much i wish i could send you off kan?
:'(






i'll miss you, ras.
will seriously do.
all your stories, the random ones, the funny ones, the sad ones.
about your family, about jack and jill, about dania and danial, about your parents, about h bukan nama sebenar(ehh, or perhaps i should not mention it here ehh? :p)
i'll miss the times where i can randomly call you whenever i'm stressed out and feeling down,
and each time then, you would always be there for me.
making me feel better, much much better.
daripada depressed terus boleh gelak sorang sorang, macam bipolar disorder pulak -.-
haha and that was how superbly amazing you were at making me smile though :) 

For all the times you spent for me.
For all the moments we had together.
For the shoulders you lend when I needed one,
For the tears you wiped when i was at my weakest point,
For the laughter we shared when we were telling all those stories.
For everything ras, for everything.

I just couldn’t thank you enough, for always being there for me.
and i thanks Allah for bringing you into my life.
oh and ingat tak kita pernah nak trace balik since when kita rapat, but we gave up in the end? sebab memang tak dapat nak tahu since bila lah senang cerita kan. haha

and i love you ras, for Allah's sake. i love you banyak banyak banyak.
have fun dekat sana, study well, eat well, sleep well, grow well. ehhh hehehh :p






till then,
please take a good care of yourself there eh.

me love you, forever and always insyaAllah.
we can always skype kan?
:)
oh, and i'm sorry for the long essay. heheh baiii *lambailambai*

Tuesday 30 July 2013

make me strong.



this song.
says it all.

esok CNS exam.
in 19 days, first professional exam.

may Allah ease,
may Allah ease,
may Allah ease.

I know the road is long.
make me strong ya Allah.

Tuesday 23 July 2013

He knows.

Assalamualaikum :)

well, i just feel like sharing this actually, cause i've always loved this video. 

suka sangat dengar.
rasa mcm dekat sangat Allah dengan kita.
rasa macam Allah sayang sangat sangat dekat hamba Dia yang sombong and hina ni. 
Rasa macam rahmat Allah tu melimpah ruah, sampai kadang kadang kita ni je yang abaikan. kita je yang berlagak sangat taknak pandang, taknak peduli :')





And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein - [ 50:16 ]

Dia tahu.
Dia tahu sakit perit jalan yang kita pilih ni.
Dia tahu susahnya nak stand firm dengan decision yang dah kita buat ni.
Dia tahu tiap titis air mata yang jatuh demi Dia.
Dia tahu.
Dia tahu semuanya :)

Dan sekiranya hamba-Ku bertanya tentang-Ku kepadamu (wahai Muhammad) maka (katakanlah) sesungguhnya Aku amat dekat. [2:186]

                           

Sunday 14 July 2013

had enough.





We all come into this world
Only to leave it one day

Life is just a passing moment
Nothing is meant to stay, oh
So many years, quickly slipping by
Like the Sleepers of the Cave
Wake up and make a choice
Before we end up in our graves
O God! You didn't put me here in vain
I know I'll be held accountable for what I do
This life is just a journey 
And it's taking me back to You


moga Allah redha.

Ramadhan kareem! :D
semoga ramadhan kali ini jadi the best ramadhan that we've ever had.
moga Dia limpahkan rahmat kasih sayangnya kepada kita semua, 
and moga Dia terima amal kita throughout this beautiful lovely month, amin~ :)

Friday 28 June 2013

regret.

do the things that we won't regret later. in the future.
:)

Allah knows best.
patience.
persevere.
it will all be good in the end, insyaAllah.



change. 
for we actually know the truth.
there.
deep inside.


'So have they not traveled through the earth and have hearts by which to reason and ears by which to hear? For indeed, it is not eyes that are blinded, but blinded are the hearts which are within the breasts' [46:22]


do the right things.
though it hurts.
though we'd have to die to do so.


dah.
kata nak syurga.
jangan nak mengada sangatlah.
kejap je dunia ni. dah dilah dah.


Sunday 2 June 2013

too tired to breathe.


Assalamualaikum :)

well, i was having a random talk with a friend of mine, when suddenly she asked,

'awak pernah tak rasa penat?
Penat nak hidup.
Penat nak berjalan pergi kelas. 
Penat nak belajar.
Penat lah nak buat semua benda'

Terdiam.
Sebab memang pernah pun rasa macamtu sebenarnya.
There was this one point, yang rasa macam dah tak larat nak buat semuanya.
Penat.
Penat nak jadi kuat.
Penat nak jaga hati dari buat apa yang Dia larang.
Penat nak buat baik dekat orang.
Penat nak tahan diri dari terasa dengan orang bila sebenarnya terasa gila.
Penat nak senyum bila sebenarnya yang dekat dalam ni tengah pecah berderai.
Penat nak buatkan orang lain gembira bila diri sendiri tak.
Penat lah. Penat. Penat sangat.
Sampai kadang kadang tu rasa macam nak give up je semua benda.
Ambik, ambik semua.
Lepastu biar, biar aku hidup dalam dunia aku. Kau hidup dalam dunia kau.
Tak payah nak fikir apa apa. senang.





Then dia tanya,
‘lepastu macam mana awak buat eh?
Ke awak biarkan je? Hidup jelah macam biasa.
Jalan je, pergi lakeside hari hari macam biasa. Pergi je belajar. buat jelah apa kena buat.’

Terasa.
sebab tiba tiba terfikir, when i used to think like that,
in a way, it was like saying, 'aku sebenarnya taknak hidup dah. tapi dah Allah bagi aku bernafas lagi, so aku hidup jelah. nak buat macam mana lagi.'
kan?
Astaghfirulllah. rasa macam tak bersyukur gila.
tau, bukan tak tau yang hidup kita ni ada tujuan.
tau, tau yang Allah ciptakan kita ni bukan saja saja.

tapi kadang kadang tu rasa macam, bercakap ni lagi senang dari nak buat.
theoretically, everybody knows yg Allah ciptakan kita ni bersebab kan.
as a khalifah, and also to worship Him.


'And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.' [51:56]

tapi, pernah tak rasa macam,
nak practisekan something tu tak sesenang macam apa yang ditulis dan dibaca.
kira cam kalau the theory part tu, kalau orang tanya memang insyaAllah lulus lah kan.
tapi part practical tu, rasa macam. hmmmmm lemme think first.

well, when she asked, it reminds me of these 3 stories.
stories that changed my perception towards life.

1. From a homeless person to a person who graduated from Harvard. Liz murray.
2. Ben carson. who had a bad childhood memories but became an amazing surgeon afterwards.
3. A story of a young girl who passed away due to a cancer.

well, i'll just share the third story la eh. the first and second, you can google them yourself :p
so this girl was actually just a random girl whom i coincidently found her blog, so i opened and read.

when she was first diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma, she was only seventeen.
a very young age, i guess. and she passed away last year, at the age of nineteen.
and to cut it short,
there's this one post in her blog that really touched my heart.






sometimes i think its because we're too used to get things easily, we somehow didn't value them that much kan.
bila fikir fikir balik, ramai je yang lagi susah dari kita.
ramai je yang sebenarnya tak dapat pun apa yang kita dapat.
ni baru belajar susah sikit, dah nak give up. baru rasa sakit sikit, dah nak mengalah.
and do remember, things are never greener on the other side. we thought it was easy for others, but we'll never know how much pain and efforts they've to put through kan.





and so, all the three people mentioned above made me realise yang sebenarnya, 
semua orang ada masa dia sendiri. yang dia akan rasa down. yang dia akan rasa macam nak berhenti. nak give up.
but then, how do we overcome the situation that makes the difference. either you give up, or you keep on moving. 
well, these are basically the things that i think can help :)

1. Take your own time, alone.

kadang kadang, memang perlu muhasabah diri. ain't necessarily before tidur. cuba try ni, keluar jalan sorang sorang, pergi taman ke. then tengok the beautiful views, look at His amazing creations. this works out well for me, especially if its early morning. lepas subuh tu, around 6.30 mcmtu keluar dah. then fikir, kenapa Allah ciptakan semua benda ni. kenapa Allah ciptakan kita. just think of anything that you would like to think of. and relate it to Him. and you'll have some sort of peace felt inside yourself afterwards, insyaAllah :)


2. Have aim in life.

most of us, including myself, doesn't really have aim in their life. memanglah, kalau orang tanya, 'apa benda yang awak paling nak dalam hidup ni?', kita akan cakap ramai ramai, 'nak syurgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa'. tapi bila fikir balik, betul ke kita nak syurga? *angkat2 kening*
then cuba fikir, apa yang kita tengah buat sekarang menuju ke syurga Dia ke tak. not necessarily about ibadah and solat je. yang dunia pun sama. sebab dunia ni kan alat untuk ke sana :)
so, fikir balik. macam mana kita nak jadikan apa yang kita tengah buat dekat dunia ni berguna dekat sana nanti. as a daughter, as a son, as a friend, as a student. well, since i'm currently studying medicine, so kenalah semangat study kan. memang, kadang kadang rasa macam nak give up. tapi bila fikir balik about the main reason why i wanted this in the first place, rasa macam, 'no dilaaaaaaaaah, no! you have to do it!'. so yeah, try it out :)


3. Mintak. Mintak dekat Dia. 

sebab Dia je yang boleh bagi kita apa yang kita nak. kan? usaha memanglah usaha, tapi in the end, it will all come from Him.
'It is You we worship and You we ask for help' [1:5]
one of my housemates pernah cakap, 'kita ni selalu je baca surah al-fatihah. tapi pernah tak faham and hayati makna dia?' and one of the thing that i still remember up till today is about the verse above. Dia kata, sebenarnya bila kita baca ayat yang ke-lima tu, doa dekat Allah. ask from Him whatever we want to. tapi dalam hati lah ya :) and bacalah in a very acknowledging way, in a way yang menunjukkan kita betul betul berserah dekat Dia je. yang kita betul betul maksudkan apa yang kita baca :) 






jalan ni memang panjang.
tapi kalau nak syurga Dia, takkan la kita nak give up senang senang je kat tengah jalan kan?
macam kalau kita masuk marathon 50km, 
for which the organiser cakap once kita completekan the journey, kita akan dapat 50 million usd.
you just have to complete it. doesn't matter how long it will take.
mesti kita nak completekan kan? of course ah. senang gila nak kaya. wohooo
tapi bila kita tengah lari tu mesti kat tengah tengah jalan tu nanti penat kan. 
so nak duduk kejap, minum air dulu. rehat rehat.
lepastu sambung balik. mesti ada jugak masa yang kita terjatuh.
lepastu ada pulak orang lain yang dengki pi tolak kita, sampai terjatuh luka luka.
tapi kita teruskan jugak.
then bila nampak je garisan penamat, berseri seri muka kita kan? pastu terus semangat nak lari sampai habis.

hah macamtu jugak jalan kita nak menuju syurgaNya.
jauh, tapi it will all be worth it. dekat tengah tengah tu nanti mesti ada yang kacau lah, ada yang halang lah, terjatuh la, luka la apa semua. tapi in the end, kita nak syurga Dia. sebab kita nak sangat sangat, so kita akan teruskan jugak, no matter how hard it is.
kan? :)

'Truly! The Muttaqun (pious and righteous persons) will be amidst Gardens and water-springs (Paradise). (It will be said to them): Enter therein (Paradise), in peace and security. And We shall remove from their breasts any sense of injury (that they may have), (So they will be like) brothers facing each other on thrones. No sense of fatigue shall touch them, nor shall they (ever) be asked to leave it.' [15: 45-48]



so, janganlah give up. semua orang rasa benda yang sama. cuma masa je lain lain. be strong ;)

p/s: sorry terpanjang. this actually serves as a reminder for myself, but i really hope it can help others as well :)

Wednesday 16 January 2013

was it even mine?

assalamualaikum.

senyum.
tarik nafas panjang-panjang.
tahan.
lagi.
lagi.
k lepas.

warning : entry ni mempunyai unsur campuran bahasa ya. oh well, saya kan suka makan air batu campur. pftt k abaikan -__-



hmmm.

pernah tak,
rasa macam suka sangat dekat something ni sampai kita rasa nak own benda tu?

and pernah tak,
rasa macam rapat sangat dengan someone ni sampai kita rasa kita nak dia rapat dengan kita sorang je?

and and and,
pernah tak,
rasa macam susah nak let go of something or someone ni,
when the truth is that, it wasn't even ours in the first place.

hah pernah tak pernah tak?




kadang kadang,
leka sangat sampai terlupa.
lupa yang sebenarnya takde satu benda pun in this world yang sebenarnya 'milik' kita.


Dan bagi Allah jualah hak milik segala yang ada di langit dan yang ada di bumi, dan kepada Allah jua lah dikembalikan segala urusan - [ 'Ali 'Imran : 109 ]


so janganlah sedih sangat bila orang yang rapat dengan kita tu rapat dengan orang lain jugak.
sebab semua orang ada kehidupan masing-masing kan.

and janganlah sedih bila kita kena let go of something or someone yang kita, hmmm sayang [ mungkin ],
sebab sebenarnya memang benda or orang tu bukan milik kita in the first place itself.

Allah pinjamkan orang tu,
untuk kita rasa the wonderfulness of their 'kasih sayang'.
so bila dah pinjam, takkan taknak pulangkan balik kan? :)

Say, "Whether you conceal what is in your breasts or reveal it, Allah knows it. And He knows that which is in the heavens and that which is on the earth. And Allah is over all things competent. - [ 'Ali 'Imran : 29 ] 

And He knows it all.
semuanya.
segalanya.
And to Him should we return.
moga perjalanan ini dipermudah.
moga segala kekusutan yang ada di dalam hati itu ditenangkan.
dan moga pengakhirannya adalah yang cantik dan indah sahaja.
:)